Our Meat is on Fire

(While working the counter, I smell smoke. I check around and find out that the chicken case has caught on fire.)

(I yell for the guy I’m working with. He grabs a fire extinguisher and I start moving stuff in the case so we can get to the growing electrical fire. )

(A customer approaches. He sees this: I’m holding up a shelf so that my coworker can get the extinguisher close to the VISIBLE FLAMES.)

Customer: Do you guys have anymore hams?

Me: Yeah. I’ll get them after we take care of this.

Customer: (agitated) Is there anyone else that can help me?

Me: No. Is just us. I’ll get them as soon as the fire is out.

Customer: Could you hurry?

This is a Meat Department, Right?

Me: Here’s your shrimp.

Customer: Yeah. Thanks. (looking around SEAFOOD CASE) You…uh…got any pork chops?

Me: Yeah. We’ve got pork down in that counter over there. Bone in and boneless chops.

Customer: Uh…you got steaks too?

Me: Um….yeah…same counter. We’ve got a full selection of meat. Beef, Pork, chicken, turkey….

Customer: Sweet.

Wild and Crazy Salmon

Customer: Do you have any wild caught salmon?

Me: Yes, I do. Right here. Some WILD CAUGHT sockeye salmon.

Customer: Ehhh…sockeye? Is that all you have?

Me: Yeah. When it’s out of season, the only WILD salmon I can get is sockeye. It’s really good, though. Sockeye is some of the best WILD CAUGHT salmon.

Customer: Okay. I’ll take a pound.

(I give it to her. She turns and walks away. Then she runs back over)

Customer: Wait. This is wild salmon, right?

Me: Yeah. It’s still wild.

Customer: Great. Thanks!

Standing Up for What You Believe In

Customer: This is crap! Look at this! This is disgraceful!

Me: Um..I’m sorry?

Customer: Look at all this FARM RAISED SHRIMP!!! Imported from Asia! This company should be ashamed of itself. What about wild caught local shrimp. This is disgusting!

Me: I have wild caught shrimp right here. It’s wild caught from Georgia. We haven’t started getting local shrimp yet, but this is fresh and wild caught.

(He stares at the shrimp and the $10.99 price tag.)

Customer: (After a few seconds) I’ll take a pound of the $6.99 shrimp.

Me: Yes sir.

(I get him a pound of the farm raised $6.99lb shrimp from Thailand.)

Fire up the chicken-chunker

Customer: Can I get this chicken cut up?

Me: Sure! How do you want it cut?

Customer: What’s my option other than with a knife?

Me: Uh..I meant, eight pieces or four pieces.

Customer: That makes way more sense. I kinda disappointed. I thought for a second you had some awesome chicken cutting machine.

Me: Now I’m disappointed. I want a chicken machine.

Too much salmon

Customer: There’s so many types of Salmon. Why is that? What’s the difference between Farm Raised Salmon and Wild Caught Salmon?

Me: The Farm Raised Salmon is…raised on a farm. The Wild Caught is..um…caught in the wild.

Customer: Okay. I’ll take the farm raised.

Tip your butcher

Customer: One pound of crab legs.

Me: Yes sir. (I start to sort through the crab legs for good looking ones)

Customer: Not that one. I want that one in front.

Me: (reaching towards the front) I can’t really see in the counter. This one?

Customer: NO! The front one.

Me: This one?

Customer: UNDER that one! Damn.

I get the crab legs priced. He takes them and reaches into his pocket. Without looking he hands throws a bill on the counter.

Customer: Thanks.

Me: Have a nice day.

I pick up the HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL he left me.

He’s walking away and pulls out his money to get ready for the register. He looks down at it and runs back over.

Customer: Gave you the wrong one. Give it back.

I hand him the hundred. He hands me a one dollar bill.

Me: Yeah. So…have a nice day.

Pork Chop Panic

Customer: (snippy) Why do you take the marrow out of your pork chops?!

Me: Marrow? We don’t take the marrow out. That’s almost impossible to do.

Customer: Yes you do. When I get pork chops from Bi Lo they have the marrow in them. I buy them here, no marrow.

Me: I promise you, we don’t remove any marrow.

Customer: (pointing to the chop) Right here. No marrow!

Me: Um…we remove that, but that’s not bone marrow.

Customer: Then what is it?

Me: Um…the spinal chord.

Customer: (looking disgusted) Am I gonna get sick?

Slimey Meat is Tender Meat

Guy comes to the meat counter, orders a top sirloin fillet.

Me: Here’s your steak!

Customer: I’ve been leaving this in my refrigerator for 2-3 weeks. It gets green and slimy. That’s dry-aging, right?

Me:Uhhh….no. To dry age something you need to control the humidity. That’s hard to do in a refrigerator.

Customer: So if it wasn’t dry aging, what was it doing?

Me: Um…..decomposing?

Customer: Oh. (long pause) I guess I should eat this soon.

Me: I would.

ProFlowers Isn’t Over my Breakup

 While I was dating my Ex-girlfriend, I would send her flowers from ProFlowers.com. After the breakup, I no longer required their services. Since the split, I have gotten 4-5 emails a week asking me if I would like to surprise her with flowers.

Dear ProFlowers,

              As you know, I am a loyal ProFlowers customer. I enjoy the quality of your flowers and that of your customer service. I appreciate your desire to save me money on my next flower delivery to Maggie Jo, but, unfortunately,  I will not be taking you up on your offer.

           Unfortunately, Maggie Jo and I broke up a few months ago. While I appreciate a good bargain, I feel like surprising her with flowers now may send the wrong message.

           I have been receiving these emails since the breakup. I have repeatedly clicked unsubscribe, but when I check my inbox, there they are. I’m sure you’ll understand that I really don’t want a constant weekly reminder that I’m still single. I’d like to check my email without the painful sorrowful moment that comes with your special offers.

 Thank you,



Look, ProFlowers. Maggie Jo and I broke up. It’s okay. It’s nothing you did. Sometimes people break up. It’s unfortunate, but it happens. This isn’t anything you did. I still love you and your website. I know you want us to get back together, but it’s not going to happen. Don’t beat yourself up. It will be okay.


ProFlowers, relax a little. You don’t want to come off as desperate. Being needy won’t make you feel any better. It’s not you….it’s me. Just promise me you’ll stop obsessing about this. It’s for the best.


Come on, ProFlowers. You’ll get over this. There’s plenty of fish in the sea. You’re a great corporation. A girl would have to be crazy not to want to get flowers from you. You gotta stop moping around. She’s moved on. You need to too. I know it’s hard, but you got to stop thinking about her all the time.

Proflowers, are you drunk? I’m worried about you.


ProFlowers. There’s nothing you could have done. These things happen. Obsessing about it won’t bring her back. I mean, did you think it was going to last forever?  Just try to remember the good times we had. I ordered flowers. You sent flowers. She enjoyed flowers. We’ll always have that.

Proflowers, It’s not your fault.


It’s not your fault.


It’s not your fault.


It’s not your fault, ProFlowers.

 It’s not your fault……

ProFlowers? Are you okay? I haven’t heard from you in a while.

 Look who finally moved on! I’m proud of you, ProFlowers, you didn’t mention her at all! Let’s go out this weekend and pick up some girls. You bring the flowers.